Vacillate

vac·il·late
ˈvasəˌlāt/
verb

1. alternate or waver between different opinions or actions; be indecisive.

Some words just feel good kicking around in your head and then rolling off your tongue.  Vacillate is one of those words for me, and it perfectly describes how I feel about being a school librarian.

Some days I think, "I'm really great at this! I'm rocking the amazing job I've landed and really making dreams come true.  The kids are LOVING the library, and I'm keeping all these plates spinning like a master."  Other days, all I can hear are those  plates crashing around me and the voices of self doubt screaming out my insecurities and shortcomings.  Sometimes both scenarios present themselves within hours of each other. 

Is it just me?  This career (calling?) is not for the faint of heart.  I love it because it is not micromanaged or defined day by day.  I have always thrived writing my own script and shooting from the hip.  The flip side is you find yourself looking out at an ocean of possibility and opportunity and you feel overwhelmed..sometimes even paralyzed with fear and uncertainty.  "I'm not doing this the same way she is. My library doesn't look like his. Why aren't my kids coming up with deep questions? I'm not doing this right!"

Luckily, I tend to find myself settling back into the facts eventually.  I love my job.  I can't imagine doing anything else and feeling the same amount of satisfaction.  I hope to eventually hit my stride and feel my self confidence grow more than my self doubt.  I hope to reach balance with my personal life and the amount of time I spend obsessing school.  #goals